I feel miserable. Oh right so here’s an idea! Lets post a blog about it that no one has a chance of reading. Sigh.

I don’t know whether I’m paranoid or this feeling is justified. I am constantly concerned that you just don’t give a shit about me. And I can’t tell you that because you’d take offense. And maybe -hopefully- it’s not true. But I can’t read you. You give me so many mixed signals. One minuite you’re telling me your in love with me, and to stop being so silly with worrying, that I’m beautiful and yours. And the next your texting your friend saying your bored and I sicken you and you stop texting me, and don’t give a shit if I seem unhappy. The sad fact is that I’m kind of scared to talk to you. Half because I can’t imagine you to have a kindly reaction to me starting any fight, and I hate you being angry at me. Half because I’m terrified that you’re just going to hear me, and say, yeah you know what, you’re right. I don’t really care anymore. I mean if you were saying before that you were having your doubts about me…

I don’t think I’ve known a guy to be in a relationship and actually properly like the girl. None of the guys I’m especially close with anyway. I suppose Dan did like Beth, but then he hated her for a year, and is now being a dick to Sophie. Ollie never liked Hollie particularly. At least not after the first few months. Maik is currently just trying to up the number of relationships he can say he has. And Tom completely fucked me over and lost my faith in most people.

I don’t have any experience of a guy actually liking a girl. Which would make you the first guy if what you say is honest. But when does the girl the guy’s with ever know how the guy feels. Hollie didn’t. Sophie didn’t. I didn’t.

Loz I’m sorry, because I really really hope I’m acting erratically and stupidly. But I don’t want to have to be told by my best friend again that my boy friends cheated on me, fancies my closest friend and has got another good mate topless. I don’t want to be fucked over again. And I don’t think you’re the kind of guy to do that, I really don’t. But my judgements not often right, and I can’t read you anyway.

I need you to be constant with me. And honest. I need you to tell me how you feel about me regularly. Good or bad. Just so I know where I’m standing. Just so I’m not constantly wondering why you haven’t bothered to text me.

I’m sorry.
I don’t really know why.
But I’m fairly sure the blame could be traced back to me.

An hour and a half…

I just had a hell of a good shag

I promised you a comparison right? I’m not sure I can be bothered anymore. Basically Tom was a dick, cocked me over completely, made me hate my self and body, and showed fellow 20 year olds pictures of me, when I was 15 to wank over. He blackmailed me, and spent months phoning me up at 4amish to have me talk him out of suicide.

Loz doesn’t do that. End of.

 

Whats taken more to my fancy, to be honest was thinking back to Tom and thinking about what Ollie did. Because people always tend to have a problem with how close we are, and they get jealous over it if they feel they should be closer to one of us. I have no idea why he put me over Hollie all those times, maybe because I put him far over the shit she gave me for doing so. But if Loz were to get properly annoyed over it, rather then slightly jealous… I guess I was just validating it to myself.

Lets say I wasn’t best happy by the end of my experience with Tom. But at the beginning I was, and although it was fairly clear he was a twat, I was blinded. And friends fell behind my happiness right… asides from Ollie who spent his days telling me he was a twat and could do better.

And then when Tom fucked everything up, Ollie didn’t let me mope I swear to God. Instead he wasted my time wrecking Toms clothes and taking my mind off it, and doing makeup and making me feel pretty and being lovely. Because he is lovely

So, despite telling people I don’t like getting too dependant on any one person, I think he must be the exception, because I’m sure I would just fall apart without him. And it’s going to be more then Loz, because Loz hasn’t been given the oppertunity to help me when I’m properly down. Plus I’ve only known him properly for 3 months! It sound sbad but how can that compare to 3 years..

Last point honest. Loz gets angry with me. Very occasionly, but it happens. Ollie is constant. And I need that. He never gets angry, he doesn’t judge my decisions whatever he thinks of them. And I need that. He can read me in an instant. He knows what I think of people, I’m sure. And he must know how much he means to me… I’m suprised it doesn’t freak him out. I’m glad I guess.

Yeah. Basically I need him. And love him so much. And in some ways I feel guilty for feeling this in love with someone who isn’t Loz. It’s not in love in the same sense at all, but the intensity of the emotion I feel is more then it is for Loz.

But I’d agree it’s fairly valid? Plus easier to obtain because of the lack of committment and any issues of insercurity surrounding that.

I’m done

Okay, well everything I said about feeling inadequate came to a head yesterday.

It started with us being interupted. I was on, so we couldn’t do much, so I was just tossing him off. Hollie and Ollie (together!) came to the door interupting us, which didn’t help for starters. We returned for me to play catch up, and part way through he suddenly goes ‘What the hell were they doing together!?!’. I looked at him like why the hell are you saying this now, and he apologised and just said he could multitask thinking. But I mean like what the hell… I can think of more then one thing too, but I don’t go shouting out about it. And then I was positioned in a place where  it was just easier for me, and he was like why are you like that? Erm, because I can go for longer without wearing out my arm? Oh and apparently I was going too hard or something and sometimes it hurt… right. And so once again I carry in some new position more preferable to him for a little while, now feeling pretty shit about my general shitness. And we run out of time. He says to me why are you radiating off unhappiness? Umm because I set out with the intention of making you feel at least some form of pleasure, and instead have succeeded in hurting you, making you uncomfortable, and making you call out about the relationship of our friends as I toss you off (Thats pretty unheard of, shouldn’t it be your ex’s name or something).

And then today you’re so on and off with when you’re texting me and if you want to talk to me…

Tell me if I’m being paranoid, or are these some pretty worrying signs?

I mean you still act worried if you think I’m off with you. But I feel like shit.

Yesterday Loz took me out for lunch at Porta lounge in Fishponds which was lovely. I had been apprehensive because I find that conversation is not quite so easy with him (or any guy I’m dating) as it would be with a friend. I discussed this with Ollie once, who agreed, and said that him and Hollie often had awkward silences. As it happened though, myself and Loz did not, and it was a really lovely day. Afterwards we returned to his house and as his mum was in her workshop we quickly progressed to more than just kissing. I love being with him, he makes me feel so lovely about myself. I know I said before I feel inadequate, and I do, but not because of things he says, for he says lovely things. When I feel inadequate it’s because I’ve been getting paranoid.

After lunch and going back to his I briefly returned to my house before going out for my ‘party’. It was in the field, but surprisingly it wasn’t too bad. I spent most of the night with Maxine and Ollie, I think, although my memory is hazy for a lot of it. At any rate I’m sure I enjoyed the night.

Mark was really sweet at one point. He just started telling me how pretty I was. I didn’t remember this until this morning when he said something along the lines of, ‘Hey Nicky, you know I was telling you I thought you were really pretty, that wasn’t just drunken talk, I meant it.’

I thought it was really sweet

I don’t like the feeling of being completely inadequate. And although I am fairly sure it is not intended paranoia sinks in with every questionable move I might make. But surely some things have to be questionable in this life, or we resume to a bland meaningless regime.

Which contradictory as this may sound, is what you’re afraid of. But how many different activities are applicable on an almost daily basis.

The fact remains that I do want to stay a part of you and a part of your life, and I’m terrified of it slipping away. The fact that once again Holly is getting close to someone else’s boyfriend; you have no idea how many times she has done this. I suppose you also have no idea that she stripped for Tom, got off with JJ’s boyfriend and caused trouble with both Lucy and Seb, and Beth and Dan.

But I can’t tell you this because it would simply make me hypocritical for being so close with Ollie when Hollie hated it. Although I did and do not have this history with others partners as such.

I really don’t know what steps to be taking next.

 

F, this is for you :L