Hello my darling
I’m feeling positive. Because, as I have been telling just about everyone, I’m doing stuff! And I need to talk to you about Xfactor, but I’ve lost my phone…

Anywho, that can be sorted later. That is the positive reason I’m so happy. As in, you know positive action. I would say realising why I’m happier without Loz was negative happiness… if you can follow my logic at all… if not I wouldn’t worry… not so many people do.

But, I read somewhere that you’re meant to find these reasons, and write how you feel… and despite not grieving even close to the extreme I was at before, I thought I might do this anyway… because I’m spiteful?

Anyway

• The last month or so was shit anyway; I wasn’t happy, I just don’t like being left unclear, which I think is partly the reason for the huge upset.
• I should realise in future, if for any reason I’m only not selfharming due to the fact that I will be seen naked by the person it’s over, I probably should get out of that situation. (Incase you’re interested, I have not cut or anything at all…)
• We didn’t really share common interests: We liked seperate music, we argued over points, and while this can be debating and fun for a while, at what point are you only with someone for sex?
• Well towards the end he was. For sure. And that wouldn’t have changed, so I’m way better off out of it.
• Sometimes I think that really I just craved the confidence to have someone believe I was attractive, and a decent person. I’m not sure I liked him as a person to the same extent. And I know that sounds terrible, but we’re honest here.
• I don’t like his fashion sense.
• I don’t like his moods. That I had to separate myself from people to be with him when he was upset over what I would consider trivial matters. Or that he got annoyed people over nothing – e.g. Tom Faire reminding him about a Mongolia meeting made for a long long rant.
• I don’t like that he tried to change who I was. (I don’t like even more that I was prepared to do that.)
• I don’t like that he over reacts.
• I don’t like that he pressured me into proving my love for him. e.g. facebook status’s, or if I went for a meal with Ollie trying to check I had more fun with him.
• I don’t like that he made me feel inadequate. Like everywhere. 
• I definately don’t like who he’s become. Because he’s right he has changed. And he’s turned into a twat.
• I don’t like that I couldn’t be completely myself around him, because he was so blatently sat there thinking I was a prat.
• I don’t like that he pressured me to go onto the pill
• I didn’t like that I felt he was annoyed with me if I didn’t text back despite him knowing I had company.
• I don’t like that I lost people when I was with him! Because I really did.
• I didn’t like his claims of being in love with me. Like even when he was doing them, because his version of  inlove is apparently like no other.

I am happy. I just get lonely. That’s more or less it. I know he wasn’t right for me. I think I had thought that to some extent for a while, or why would I spend late night hours talking about him in a paranoid fashion. Or why would I have ‘stories’ basically preparing myself for the fall. 

I just liked being loved.