Oh babe, I’m so unhappy at the moment, it’s ridiculous. I’m crying constantly, and I can’t decide what I want. Even when I know he can’t contact me, I find myself questioning if there really is no signal up there or if he’s just glad of the oppertunity to be rid of me. I don’t want to lose him. I just want security again.
Babe I need a hug so much. I wish you were still with me.I’m not coping without you at all. I didn’t appreciate you when you were about. I guess I didn’t appreciate him when he actually liked me either. I worried he was too clingy. I wanted independance. Obviously not enough to break up with him. Not enough to actually not like him. But negative thoughts have a habit of taking up more room in my mind then necessary. I’d love to believe that’s happening again now.
I really don’t know what to do babe. I don’t trust him not to hurt me. He doesn’t trust himself not to hurt me. But we’re back to love. Etc. What would you do darling? I was considering asking him if we could go celibate for a while. Because I swear up until we sleep together we’re always fine. And then it just goes off after. And although he denys it, I want to truely believe he’s with me for some other reason than to be his sex bitch.
And the worst part is, before it gets any better, we’re headed for a cliff. And in the free fall I will realise I’m better off when I hit the bottom.
I think people get bored of me talking to them about this babe. I’m not convinced Ollie can get his head around what it’s like to truely have deep feelings for someone in that way, so I’m skeptical of how far I can take his sentiments. I mean of course he’s lovely. And he’s cheered me up loads. But… Oh I don’t know.
Sams been good, but he’s close to both of us. Therefore I’m willing to bet to some extent I’ll lose him if we break up. But then same with more or less everyone bar you and Ollie. Oh babe, I don’t want to lose all contact with him. How can you just cut someone out of your life like that if you still love them? And if they still love you? I don’t understand it.
Why can’t I make a relationship go well for over say 6 months? Why does it all start cocking up as soon as the honey moon periods over? Or as soon as I’ve got nothing held back to offer? I only started the pill just over a month ago you know. And it was fine then. Maybe he’s just got bored of me. There’s nothing new to experience with me anymore.
Babe seriously whats wrong with me. How can someone claim to love me and still consider just cutting me out completely? What have I done to bring that on? I don’t understand.
